god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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