I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
