Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
operation have a gay friend backfired
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
