Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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