seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
