i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
