Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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