My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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