I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
