I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
