I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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