now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
