I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
