Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
