last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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