Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
