Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
