What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
