I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
