What did we do last night that was yellow?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
