i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
