hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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