I cockslap morals
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
