can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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