You're so nebulous sometimes
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
