did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I want her autograph on my taint
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
