I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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