I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
