Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You may now shotgun with the bride
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
