I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
