Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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