I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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