So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
