I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
