I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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