I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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