"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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