so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
