also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
