Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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