Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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