24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
