I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
