Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
