I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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