You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
