You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
