i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
