I skipped work to stalk him.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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