i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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