I hope mine doesn't look like that
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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